


one hundred

by sutera



Category: The Last Remnant
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, all-in-all not for the faint of heart, rlly brief triggers tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 21:52:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3304748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sutera/pseuds/sutera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rush suddenly wishes he never came back. (Post-game)</p>
            </blockquote>





	one hundred

**Author's Note:**

> if you tend to be triggered easily DO NOT READ. i strongly urge you not to. if you're not too bothered then have at it!

_i._

When he finally comes back, it feels like he hasn’t left at all.

It’s as if he’s fresh from fighting the Conqueror. Perhaps he is, having journeyed from the Holy Plains from where he’d woken up, and arriving back in Athlum now… it feels so surreal. The lack of monsters only contributes to his disorientation.

He kinda wishes he came back with the others despite this, but at the thought he’s reminded of the changes in environment he’s seen on the way here, then his thoughts trail to whether the _others_ have changed, whether Irina or _Dave_ has changed and he’s scared suddenly of what could have happened, how _long_ has passed since he left them.

Months?

 _Years_?

He arrives in Athlum, and breathes in the town air. Some things have been refurnished, replaced. Some things haven’t. He’s missed this place.

He walks through the streets slowly and people stare. He sees a mixture of shock, disbelief, and joy, and doesn’t know how to hold himself.

Rush Sykes stops at the base of the steps leading to the castle and takes a deep breath.

_Welcome home._

_ii._

Perhaps his worries are for naught.

There is astonishment, at first. The Generals are there, and Torgal’s features are the most amusing out of all of them. Emmy looks like she’s about to cry and Blocter is already blubbering. Pagus is smiling, and beckons for his lord to look up from his silent contemplation.

Dave sees him then, and Rush doesn’t think he’s ever seen his emotions so naked before.

A blur of red and black and _gold_ and Rush is being hugged by him tightly, as if Dave is trying to keep him from death once more.

Rush hugs back just as tightly, and imprints the trembling, glad, _breathy_ utterance of his name in his mind.

Dave sounds happy, and Rush will like to keep it that way.

_iii._

It’s not very long until he’s bombarded with requests for people to see him.

His family comes back immediately from  _Nagapur,_  strangely enough, upon hearing the news and Irina tackles him the moment she catches sight of him. She’s crying when she punches him on the shoulder for ‘how much he’s worried’ her, and he’s surprised at the strength. He looks at her a little closer, and sees her hair has grown, her features more defined. He wonders why he hasn’t noticed it at first.

He also wonders where dad is.

His previous concern comes back. His mother—more  _weary_  than he remembers—senses it, and gently tells him.

Dave is looking at him from across the room, and there’s sorrow in his gaze.

_iv._

After all the celebration with close friends and family, the people he’s both laughed and cried and _fought_ with, he finds he wants time to himself.

He _needs_ time. The thought in itself is strange for when he travelled back to Athlum, he travelled alone. But now, he just feels…

He dismisses himself with a smile, and finds a nice spot in a familiar area of the garden. It’s blossomed well since he’s last seen it, and he finds peace in it.

Blue. Purple. Red. The light shines off such hues perfectly, and he finds the beauty doesn’t reflect his current melancholy. A finger lifts, and toys with a single petal.

Three years.

He cannot help a sudden laugh, and hopes it doesn’t sound bitter to the ears.

_That explains it._

He hears movement behind him, and turns to greet the person with brimming eyes.

_v._

His old room’s untouched, strangely enough. Maybe it’d been a way to keep his memory alive, but he appreciates it all the same.

_vi._

When he feels he can face people again, he readily welcomes familiar individuals wishing to see him.

Khrynia bursts in with an energy he misses and hugs his lungs out of him.  Loki is laughing as he claps him on the back along with Baulson. Gabriel arrives and gives him a lazy grin when he tells him the big news. Caedmon approaches, and Rush is surprised at the gesture he initiates—some kinda _nuzzle_ against his cheek (he’s surprised at how _soft_ the fur is) that Rush can’t bring himself to question nor even _react_ to but he _does_ see Torgal and Allan staring at their fellow sovani in clear shock. Dave seems to get it too, but he closes his expression off quickly.

Rush is told Wyngale has disappeared a while after he himself had gone; Glenys decided to travel. Others, like Paris and Haruko, are too busy to come visit for now and the rest are unknown. Nora especially.

_Nora…_

He fidgets suddenly.

_Ladies of Bloody Alice. Fusion of a Remnant with a Mitra._

Project BA.

He hopes she’s alright.

_vii._

Athlum has grown in prestige since Rush’s absence. Dave has been the leading force in change since the Remnant’s disappearance, even elected to be the someone to _direct_ the Congress and it’s here that Rush learns of his mother’s acceptance of her father’s inheritance. It’s strange to see her swathed in such colours—a stark change from the familiar white—, and he wonders why he hadn’t noticed it before.

Irina hasn’t shed the familiar blue of Eulam, and he’s strangely relieved to see that.

She also heads the Academy despite her young age, and Rush has never been prouder. The institution itself has turned its research around, focusing on replacing the Remnants instead of finding out more about the Remnants themselves. There’s no real point now, after all.

He finds out Blocter is currently dating Baulson’s sister. Emmy is getting courted herself. Pagus is considering retirement and Torgal is the same as ever, save for Allan hanging around a little more. He’s told they’ve started up another group, one to keep the population safe since the lack of Remnants have severely weakened defences in a few places.

Everyone’s moved on with their lives. Rush wonders if he can ever catch up.

_viii._

While there are many that are glad at his return, it doesn’t take long for the minority that’d protested his decision to appear.

Maybe they’ve held back their rage for all these three years. Maybe they were waiting for someone to blame their troubles on now that the Remnants aren’t here to help them. Maybe they’ve been placing all the blame on Dave, and that’s a thought that troubles him.

Everyone has always welcomed him in Athlum, but once he decides to go for a walk, he wanders out into the road obliviously far from the town and there’s a few that confront him immediately. The group shouts at him, curses at him, and he doesn’t know what to say to their angered faces. He doesn’t argue when they push him, accuse him of numerous deaths because for all Rush knows, if the Remnants were still around, lives _could_ have been saved. Rush can’t have thought his decision through if _this_ many people are upset.

He thinks he recognizes some of the faces surrounding him right now.

He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t think he _can_ say anything.

Rush decides he deserves it, and closes his eyes when the first punch comes.

_ix._

Dave’s angry when he finds out.

Rush’d tried to keep it from everyone as much as possible, but the Duke’s just too onto it to _not_ notice. He tells him to keep it from Irina, and the shaking promise that falls from pursed lips is all Rush can get out of him.

“It’s not your fault.” Dave tells him when he finally calms down. His eyes are intense and sharp and so much older than what Rush is used to despite only three years passing. “Believe me, Rush. Your decision was good for everyone. They…” His voice darkens with anger just bubbling beneath the surface. “They just don’t see it.”

Dave’s touch is gentle when he heals him. Rush can’t remember too well, but he guesses the blond has gotten far better at healing than before.

“Don’t let them do this to you, Rush.” A troubled whisper and he looks to Dave again. “I— _we_ have only just gotten you back.”

Rush feels guilt rise in him and he doesn’t answer. Dave grips his arm, and it almost hurts.

“We don’t want to lose you again.”

_x._

The days following are peaceful.

No one’s attacked him since. He wonders whether Dave’s done something, and that makes the most sense. He still worries, though, even when Dave assures him and reassures him.

Nowadays, he tries to immerse himself into this new lifestyle. He tries to hang out more with Irina and Dave, helping out around Athlum and even with the others’ duties; he tries to help his mother out in Nagapur, introducing himself to the new locals and checking out the foundations of the rebuilt structures; he tries to spend time with his old companions, even as they pursue passions and futures of their own.

He really tries, and he thinks his life is back to normal.

_You look exactly the same as I can remember three years ago._

_Time froze for you, but… life went on for everyone else._

_…_

_I’m so sorry, Rush._

He can do this. He can keep up.

_xi._

He spends time with Dave and Irina as much as he can.

Sometimes they’re able to meet up three times a week, maybe four. Most times they’re only able to come together twice, with either Irina or Dave unable to make it.

It’s a bit awkward when Rush gets stood up by both of them.

They’re trying, Rush knows this. They’re both trying to be with him, even when he’s already been back a few months. They even neglect a few of their own duties and assignments, despite the deadline date long past, and Rush can’t deny he feels pleased yet _worried_ at the dedication.

He wants to help, but they’re both dealing with things that are far beyond what he’s currently used to. The technologies have advanced far from what he’s known, meant to _replace_ Remnants—something that’s now _entirely_ Irina’s department. Scheduling how and when and where these technologies are being used, and making sure they aren’t being utilized as weapons for ill intent—Dave’s job. Each of the Generals have their own factions to take care of, and Rush feels more than a little out of the loop. The least he can do now is try to understand these new platforms, to adapt to them so he can finally help.

It frustrates him, having almost nothing to do in the meantime. He almost wishes that there was some kinda common evil that they can all fight against once more, if only to spend time with everyone else. That seemed to be the only thing holding them all together, but now that everything’s all over and done with, there’s no reason to spend more time than they have to with each other.

But then—it’s an idiotic thought. After all, he can always just try to organize a gathering or maybe he can schedule some kinda monster hunt. There are other ways to spend time with his friends and family. Why wish for catastrophes when there’s finally a time of peace?

Rush wonders whether he’s getting desperate when he thinks he sees the Conqueror standing briefly in the garden, watching him silently.

_xii._

It’s as if Caedmon senses his restlessness and unease.

He approaches Rush one day, casually and quietly. He asks to speak with him privately, and Rush has no trouble obliging, following him into a small alley.

He then asks Rush whether he wishes to join him as the co-commander of the Silver Falcons.

“Do not answer straight away.” Caedmon tells him, and his gaze is stuck to the numerous bodies walking absentmindedly not far from where they are. As a result, he doesn’t see Rush’s wide eyes and long jaw. “There is no need to feel pressured. I wished to offer you the place as I felt there would be no better person to fight by my side.”

Rush swallows hard. “That’s… a pretty big responsibility.”

“As I said, you need not answer straight away.” Caedmon seems to smile, but Rush thinks he’s imagining things. “Think about it, Rush.” He sees one of four arms begin to move towards his own, yet hesitates in whatever it’d been about to do. It withdraws, and Rush looks up when Caedmon continues, his voice soft and sincere.

“Whether or not you decide to join, my opinion of you will always remain high.”

_xiii._

“David likes you.”

Rush almost chokes on his drink upon hearing those words from Irina. She’s said it calmly, even as she rolls the dice over their board game.

He’s noticed that she doesn’t call him ‘Mister David’ anymore, and figures that’s a change that’s happened in the past three years. In thinking that, he figures she doesn’t mean what she’s actually _saying_ and so he tries to play along with the joke.

“I kinda hope so, sis, since we’re supposed to be friends ‘nd all.” He says, hoping his tone is just as casual and he watches as the dice come up with eleven in total.

Irina takes her piece, and starts moving it in accordance to the number. “As in _like like_ , Rush. He’s… pretty much in _love_ with you.”

Rush pretends he doesn’t choke on his drink a _second_ time, quickly learning the lesson of not trying to sip at his juice when Irina talks. This isn't the first occurrence in which this has happened. He sometimes finds himself a little intimidated, because this certainly isn’t the sibling he remembers from his memories. This Irina is a year younger than him now, and almost a woman in her own right. He regrets missing her grow up, but he supposes the majority of it had been done while facing the Conqueror.

“How do _you_ know?” He asks incredulously now, unable to absorb the information properly. They’ve hardly discussed anything regarding _romance_ before defeating the Conqueror, so for her to come up with this conclusion _three years after_ the event is just weird.

“We… talked about it.” Rush is about to protest that in shock, but then he pauses at the emotions briefly passing over the other’s features.

Pain. Recalled agony.

He bites his tongue and remains quiet.

“There was a funeral, Rush. Everyone came, everyone that loved you and admired you. You were a hero.” She tries to smile then, her eyes averting to Rush’s own and he finds he cannot hold the gaze that slowly rims with tears. “We all missed you and we mourned you. You… have no idea how many people’s lives you’ve affected.” Her voices gets breathy here and Rush finds he cannot speak. There’s a lump in his throat and his hands remain clenched upon the table.

“A few days after, David told me that he liked you. That he loved you.” Irina swallows audibly, and she looks down as well. “He apologized for not doing anything when you… when you…”

“No way.” Rush interrupts suddenly. This is a fear he’s been carrying in him this whole time. The moment of his disappearance, his _death_. He’d worried how the others would feel, and he’d been content that they’d all be okay. He underestimated how much of an impact his actions would have on them. “No—I wanted… I _wanted_ to do it. It was my decision and mine _alone_. I wouldn’t have let Dave stop me because I—it was _necessary_. I wanted to protect you all and that was the _only_ way. I couldn’t let you guys be hurt, I _couldn’t_ —!”

Irina laughs suddenly, but it is mirthless. However, she reaches overand grasps his hands in her own, squeezing them tightly. “That’s what I told him, and he just shook his head and said that’s exactly what you’d say.”

Rush stares for a moment. “I’m really predictable, aren’t I?” He asks weakly.

“You are.” Irina says softly, and she looks far older than her years. “You really are.”

_xiv._

When it’s just him and Dave spending time together, he likes to play games with him and make random contact with him, and Dave seems to respond in kind. Even if he’s older, he’s the same old Dave from three years ago, and Rush is glad for that. He’s enjoying the time he has with him, but then something makes him stop short. His gaze lingers outside the window, even when Dave asks him what’s wrong.

It’s strange. He sees the Conqueror more often now.

He’s not sure whether it’s paranoia, or whether what he’s seeing is real, but the panic is rising within him once more. He can’t let what happened before happen again. He’s ready to give his life again, if need be.

He asks Dave to look where he’s looking, and he does. He’s not surprised when there’s a lack of horrified reaction from the Duke.

Dave asks him if he’s alright, and Rush doesn’t answer.

_xv._

Sometimes, it feels as if Rush is dreaming, as if the reality around him isn’t real.

Irina pinches his arm when he says that, and asks whether that’s reality enough.

From the answering shot of pain down his nerves, he thinks it is.

_xvi._

_I’m here, I’m alive, I can do this,I’mhereandI’m—_

_AWAKEN._

_xvii._

Rush spends a whole day psyching himself up to ask Dave out to dinner.

He doesn’t seem as busy lately, and that’s a _good_ thing because now maybe they can _really_ spend some time together, and not _just_ in a few one-hour slots a week. Irina isn’t here to be his moral support either, so it takes _twice_ as long for him to walk up to Dave’s door, raise his hand and move it forward—

Dave opens the door suddenly, looking flustered himself and he spots Rush immediately, mouth opening in surprise.

Rush freezes up _this_ close to him and he feels himself backing out mentally. Maybe another day, maybe another night because Dave _does_ look a little busy and—

“Rush, would you like to have a private dinner with me?”

Oh. _Well_.

For a moment, he doesn’t speak. Then—

“You, like, _totally_ stole my line just now!” Rush bursts out in protest, unable to help the higher tone due to his previous anxiety. He also doesn’t care that he just used a bit of Khrynia-vocab.

Dave laughs suddenly, and he seems both stressed and relieved. Rush takes the other’s hand in his own, feeling bold all of a sudden, and the other doesn’t hesitate to interlace his own fingers with Rush’s, squeezing it gently.

“A date, then?” Dave asks him breathlessly, eyes shining.

“ _Heck_ yes!”

_xviii._

He thinks he smells a bit of Irina’s perfume near David’s door.

 _That mischievous little squirt_.

_xix._

He and Dave are officially together now.

The Generals are happy, Irina and mom are happy. The rest of Athlum is even happy at this news.

Life goes on, and it seems perfect.

_xx._

Caedmon visits him one day, and Rush doesn’t need to say anything.

“You’ve chosen, then?” The sovani already knows the answer, and doesn’t wait for one. He seems crestfallen, as much as a sovani can. Rush wonders why.

“I’m sorry.” Rush apologizes, but Caedmon shakes his head.

He takes off his helmet suddenly, and Rush stares. He’s never done that before, and so he can’t help but admire the sovani unmasked. However, what happens next surprises him even more.

Caedmon steps forward, all four arms hugging him tightly and the fur tickling Rush’s flesh is both soft and coarse in different places. He’s never been hugged by a sovani before—no matter _how_ much he’s tried to coerce Torgal—and it feels… nice. He’s nuzzling against Rush’s cheek again, and though Rush has no idea what that means, he just lets it happen.

 _Like a cat_. He notes distantly.

Caedmon leaves without a word afterwards, and Rush spots Dave watching at the other end of the hall.

He waves, but Dave’s already gone.

_xxi._

“How much do you know about sovani custom?”

Rush is currently draped over Dave’s legs as he lies haphazardly upon the couch, and he’d been playing idly with the hem of the fine materials swathing the other male before the query is posed.

“Not much.” Rush admits, and he casts his gaze over to Dave who seems to be staring at the ceiling blankly. He starts to get a bad feeling about this.

Dave lets out a small sigh and his following words are aloof and unreadable.

“Sovani don’t… show affection like Mitra do. All races have their own way of physically doing so.” Rush has a feeling where this is going already and nervousness readily takes over him. He thinks he’s basically frozen to Dave’s legs now as he carries on.

“When they… rub their cheeks against their partner, it’s a way of imprinting their scent, saying that the person is _theirs_ and theirs _alone_.”

Oh. Everything Caedmon has been doing suddenly makes a lot of sense.

It takes a full moment for Rush to respond and he does so helplessly, looking over to Dave.

“I-I didn’t know…” He says quietly.

“I figured you didn’t.” Dave replies with a mirthless laugh. He sits up then, and Rush gets off immediately, as if burned. The Duke seems to notice and he sighs wearily. “I’m not angry, Rush. I’m just… shocked.”

 _Me too_. Rush wants to say, but the words stick in his throat. He truly _hadn’t_ expected such a revelation, and he’s still admittedly reeling in it.

Dave reaches for him suddenly, and Rush hesitantly grasps the hand that gently curls around his own. “It’s surprising to see a sovani fall for a mitra. We’re often seen as inferior.” Dave glances at him slyly. “I suppose I shouldn’t be though, considering...”

“Considering…?”

Dave chuckles and his next words are spoken fondly.

“You’re _you_ , Rush.”

 _xxii_.

“Rush?”

He turns at Irina’s voice, and realises she’s looking him over. It only takes a moment for him to realise what she’s staring at.

“Are you alright?” Her tone is uncertain. That makes sense, considering he’s glowing like the sun. He’d almost forgotten he’s a Remnant, which is probably a dangerous thing to do.

He lifts his hand, stares at the viridian light for a moment longer. He looks at Irina, and sees what she’s about to suggest.

He won’t risk it, he _can’t_. He decided to destroy Remnants for a reason, after all.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry, Irina.” He grins then, and grabs her to give her a noogie, pretending not to hear her protests.

 _You are still endangering them_.

He pretends he doesn’t hear the Conqueror’s voice either.

_xxiii._

Dave seems more tired lately. Rush attributes it to stress and decides to try and be there for him more.

As he spends more time with the guy, he finds out the small things. Dave likes to fold his clothes in accordance to his agenda, and Rush tries to sort them for him when he’s out or in meetings. Then every few days a week after a long one, Dave tends to have a lemon tart and apple juice, and despite his opinion on the oddity of it, Rush prepares the small meal for him each time.

The most covert habit is one he accidentally picked up on. He doesn’t know when Dave started doing it—heck, he definitely hadn’t realized it when the Conqueror was around—but he finds out when he actually wakes up early enough. He’d lain awake in the early hours of the morning before hearing someone snooping around in his room. He’d been ready to jump them before realizing it’d been David. A hand had brushed over his covers, gently pulling them up before the Duke had quietly left again, and it hadn’t taken long for Rush to get up and follow him.

He’d found out that Dave tends to check on everyone, just to make sure they’re alright. He likes to reassure himself that they’re safe and well before retiring to sleep himself. When Rush asked, he said it’d been something that Emma had done before.

So, when Dave’s about to sleep, Rush tells him he’ll check for him, and Dave believes him enough to sleep early for once, and the days after.

“You’re like a mother hen lately.” Irina laughingly comments to him when she watches him pour some juice. There are bags under her eyes, seemingly growing more pronounced each day. However, she’s acting the same, so he figures that she’s probably just not getting enough sleep.

“You don’t remember me taking care of you on Eulam like that, huh?” Rush nudges her on the arm, grinning.

Irina’s smile grows wider, a hand rising to her chest. “Vaguely. I remember puking on your pants and you tripped over in shock.” There’s a soft giggle. “Then you carried me back home and took care of me. I had a headache and I was dizzy and feverish but… I was happy you were there, Rush.” She beams at him, her words genuine and sure.

“Okay, you can stop right there.” Rush says immediately, holding up his hands. “No need to get all mushy on me now, ‘Rina.” Maybe he’s glad at the admission, but he can’t deny the guilt that rises. Irina always was happy when he’s around, and that never changed. He can only imagine how she was like when he was gone.

Irina hugs him then, and it feels like she’s leaning almost all of her weight on him. Nonetheless, he adjusts to it, holding her tightly.

“I missed you, Rush.” She whispers, and her voice is tiny. He notices she’s shaking.

He holds her tighter.

“I missed you too, Irina.”

_xxiv._

He sees the Conqueror again—this time, within his own _room_ —and the warden tells him to awaken.

 _I can’t_. He wants to tell him, but the Conqueror disappears even as the words stick in his throat.

Then again, does he really want to?

_xxv._

It’s the first time Dave ever snaps at him, but he does.

Rush thought it hadn’t been a big deal—after all, he’s accidentally spilt his drink over Dave’s paperwork before and the Duke had just waved him off with a teasing tone even as he apologized a numerous amount of times. Rush still can’t live down the embarrassment, but Dave has assured him over and over again that it’s fine.

When Rush unintentionally spills the apple juice he’s pouring for Dave over the papers he’s working on currently, he’s not prepared for the furious glare that’d landed upon him.

He’d yelled at him then. Rush can’t recall exactly what he said, but he’s still shaking.

_xxvi._

Hardly an hour passes before Dave finds him and apologizes. He takes him for a quick trip to Robelia Castle so that both of them can loosen up, perhaps the Duke more than Rush. He’s glad for that, because maybe it’d been a bit stifling in the castle and all Dave needed was a bit of fresh air.

The other is smiling when they arrive back home late, and Rush thinks things are starting to get better.

_xxvii._

“Rush?”

The whisper beckons him from his sleep slowly, dredging him through the thick waves of drowsiness. Most times he would go back to sleep, but there’s something about the way his name is said that alarms him.

“Dave?” He asks, squinting at the blurry figure before him as he props himself up on his elbows. “What…?”

The other moves forward then, and Rush almost wouldn’t have believed him to be Dave because the Dave he knows always has his back straightened, his shoulders firm and confident, and a warm smile is mostly present upon his face. However, the figure before him _now_ …

He registers it slowly as his vision starts to sharpen, even in the gloom of night.

Dave looks like a _mess_.

He’s shaking and he looks _tired_. His eyes are slightly puffy and Rush’s heart breaks a bit upon realizing that he may have been _crying_.

“What’s wrong?” He asks immediately, and reaches out for him, beckoning the Duke to him. The instinct to protect and _help_ is fiercer in him than ever, _especially_ seeing Dave like this. And because just… _Dave_ in general. After all, he’s the strongest person Rush has ever known, keeping everything together even when he may be falling apart. Or, at least, you can only _guess_ he may be falling apart—Dave’s just that sorta guy who silently suffers, and Rush doesn’t like that.

Seeing him like this now only strengthens his worry for the other, for something must be _real_ bad for Dave to crack like this. And Dave never cracks. _Ever_.

Dave hesitantly comes into his arms then. He’s apologizing over and over again, as if ashamed of coming to Rush in the first place. It’s a silly thought. Rush makes a mental note to squash that line of thought.

“It’s okay.” He whispers to him, over and over again. Rush is rocking him gently, and he’s shrivelling up inside just _feeling_ the tremors first-hand that wrack Dave’s form. They’ve never actually slept in the same bed together despite their current status, because while they do like each other they’re still taking things slow. Yet now, Rush _definitely_ has no trouble welcoming Dave into his bed for the night, if only to comfort him. Dave looks like he needs it. _Really_ needs it.

When it seems like Dave’s breathing a little easier, when it seems like the shaking has calmed, the Duke whispers to him.

“It’s strange.” He murmurs, and his tone is frighteningly hollow. “It feels as if I’m being eaten from the inside. I’m not hurt, but… but I cannot shake these strong feelings. I’m _despairing_ and I… I keep on thinking about every horrible situation that can happen. I keep thinking that it _will_ happen. I—I mean it _won’t_ but I can’t help feeling responsible, that _I’m_ to blame when I’m sure… when I think I’m not. It’s maddening to keep on _thinking_ like this.” Dave shakes his head slowly against Rush’s neck. “I just… want to…”

He breathes out shakily then, hand curling tighter around the material of Rush’s shirt.

“I want to _die_ , Rush.”

_xxviii._

The mood around the castle is dampening every day.

Rush can’t remember whether it started before or after that night with Dave. He supposes it doesn’t matter when the Generals suddenly take a turn for the worse. Even Irina—every time she comes back to Athlum, she looks more and more tired until she murmurs to Rush that she doesn’t feel good at all.

It’s as if hope and joy themselves have been drained out of everyone, and Rush has no idea what’s happening.

_xxix._

He catches Irina trying to take her own life. He almost doesn’t make it.

He’s never been so scared before, because the one thing that he can’t protect his friends and family from are themselves.

_xxx._

How had it gotten so _bad_? What was _wrong_?

He starts to get an idea when he realises _he’s_ the only one not getting affected by whatever is happening.

It’s confirmed when he sees the Conqueror one last time, looking at him silently from across his room.

_xxxi._

He leaves during the day.

All of them are keeping busy, no matter how weary they’ve gotten. It keeps their mind off the thoughts that are assaulting them, and Rush feels his will flicker each time their eyes scan for possible routes of suicide.

Most nights, Dave was always with him, and Rush kept Irina close as well. He thought he’d been helping, but that probably made it worse.

Maybe the moment he’s out of range, they’ll all get better. Maybe the mood will disappear just like that. Rush certainly hopes so.

Even as he treks further away, he realises all he can really do _is_ hope. If he ever came near any of them—or rather, any _one_ —ever again, they’ll be affected and Rush will be damned if he harms another soul.

_xxxii._

He suddenly wishes he had never come back.

_xxxiii._

_This is why I destroyed all Remnants._

_This is why._

“Are you certain you destroyed them?”

Rush turns, but the Conqueror isn’t there.

 _xxxiv_.

He doesn’t know how far he wanders.

He knows he headed towards Elysion at first, to where he’d first woken up, but everything feels distorted now. The path back isn’t the same as he remembers it, and that makes sense, he supposes. After all, it’s been three years, and all everyone has done is rebuilt.

Rush is just taking that away again.

He settles against a nearby tree, then. He’s been going off-path now for ages and there doesn’t seem to be anyone else around. A good place, he figures, to live the rest of however long he has. After all, he’s a Remnant, and Remnants aren’t affected by space and time.

The forest he’s in reminds him of the one that he left Irina in back then. This time, he’ll just leave himself here. It made more sense.

_xxxv._

He doesn’t know how long he just sits there, but he does just that.

He thinks he drifts in and out of consciousness, and it’s strange, because it feels like he’s drifting all alone with _everything_ around him but other times he’s here, sitting against a tree that is starting to kill his back. It’s still summer too so he hears birds chirping and feels the insects become attracted to his sweat in the acrid heat.

He still doesn’t move. He’s pretty convinced that if he stays here, then he won’t harm anyone he loves.

Sometimes, he thinks he feels the Valeria Heart’s presence. It’s neat and subtle and _peaceful_ , but then he feels like he’s being watched by far more  _threatening_ beings.

 _Come at me_. He thinks tiredly.

 _xxxvi_.

He expects to sit there for another day, another week, perhaps a whole _year_.

Dave doesn’t give him the chance.

As soon as he glimpses him, Rush feels his dreamy state upended into a whirlpool of _panic_ and he jumps up immediately despite his muscles _screaming_ at him to stay down. He almost falls over, and maybe there’s a small _motion_ towards that but then Dave’s starting _forward_ , eyes narrowed and dark with worry and Rush _freaks_.

“Dave—Dave, _don’t_!” He almost chokes on his own voice, having not used it for _how_ long now but he’s backing away rapidly, attempting to regain his footing quickly to do so. He’s thankful he doesn’t back right into the tree, but he’s still _slow_ all the same and Dave is approaching and isn’t saying anything and Rush is _scared_.

No, he isn’t scared because of what Dave will say or _do_ to him. Moreover… _Dave_ might get hurt again. What Rush did isn’t forgivable, and isn’t _easy_ to shrug off. Dave should _know_ that and he should _stay away_.

“Please.” Rush is almost _begging_ now, desperation rapidly taking over him like wildfire and he thinks he sees the same desperation in Dave’s eyes, except towards the exact _opposite_. “Please. Dave, you have to go. _Please_. I’ll hurt you and I won’t-I won’t go _back_ , okay? I need to stay here _away_ from everyone so that-so that I don’t—!”

“Collapse?”

Dave’s first word and query is quiet as he stops in his tracks. Rush stops too.

“Yeah.” Rush’s eyes avert then, and he feels exhausted. He’s tired of this. He really should’ve known Dave would try and search for him. “Please just go, Dave.”

The other is still and motionless. Watching him. Waiting. Rush wants to get angry, but he doesn’t think he can right now. Not at Dave. Not after what Rush has done.

“Don’t be dumb. Just go.” He says, but there’s no real fire in the words. “I… shouldn’t have come back.”

“Rush—“ Dave suddenly looks helplessly angry and that’s the only warning Rush gets before Dave is right _there_ , right _before_ him and grasping the front of his shirt, bringing him close. “Do _not_ say that. I won’t go. I won’t leave you alone. _Never_ , Rush. And I certainly _don’t regret you coming back_.” Dave leans a little closer to Rush now, eyes a maelstrom of pain and frustration and maybe even angered _affection_.

He’s struck silent by the other’s words and features, and can only look at him, mouth parted in shock and he still wishes to get _away_ but he also wants to hug Dave _too_.

“Just go.” He whispers weakly, but knows that Dave won’t listen.

 _xxxvii_.

“Rush.”

Dave is on one knee then, and it’s like he’s going to propose. In a way, he is.

His hands are on Rush’s, and Rush’s are in his.

“Would you do me the honour?”

His voice is soft. Rush hates this, but he can’t deny him either.

 _xxxviii_.

He’s never felt so selfish in his life.

But then, he doesn’t think he’s ever felt _happier_.

 _xxxix_.

Operating a Remnant wears away at the operator's soul.

Rush promises himself that he won’t ever use his powers. He won’t use Dave’s soul. He refuses to.

_xl._

“If I ever… if I ever hurt you, or _anyone_ , I’m leaving.”

He whispers these words to Dave afterward. He doesn’t think the other is listening, however.

“I don’t want you to leave.” Dave says resolutely. His tone brooks no arguments.

“My soul is yours, Rush. I would not have it any other way.”

 _xli_.

He thinks it’s over. He thinks he’s _happy_.

They travel back to Athlum, and it feels like a dream.

The tiredness lifts away from him the moment they arrive back, and Rush only feels dread replace it. Not even Irina’s tease about his smell would chase it away.

He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

When he happens to see the Conqueror again, standing in the middle of the town square, he doesn’t think he wants to know.

 _xlii_.

There’s a note on his pillow the next day, written in cursive writing.

Rush wishes he really _is_ in a dream, because that means he wouldn’t have come back after all

 _Nora’s dead_ , these words say. He emptily supposes that makes his recent thought redundant; that meant his decision to destroy the Remnants had been a bad one. He should fear actually _making_ that decision, rather than coming _back_ from it.

He should’ve known the consequences.

 _xliii_.

Everything’s becoming hazier by the minute.

Dave’d been shaking him one day, telling him to wake up.

Strangely, it’d sounded like he was telling him to awaken instead.

 _xliv_.

He goes to sleep one night without Dave or Irina by him. He dreams of Remnants and the Conqueror and the day he had died. He dreams of floating in a void with beings around him, angry and vengeful. He dreams that they hurt him sometimes, that they torture and hiss at him. He dreams of the few that protect him, that are furious _back_.

He wakes in the dead of night as Dave’s pulling the covers up on him. He shivers when the other sits next to him and hugs him, and Rush tells him he fears he won’t wake up next time.

 _xlv_.

It is like a countdown has started in his head.

He dreams more and more frequently of that void and he’s scared of going back. He appreciates it when Dave holds him, but nowadays it doesn’t seem like it does him any good. Irina tries to lift his mood, but sometimes he just sees right through her.

There’s no telling when it’ll end. Rush doesn’t even know what ‘ _it’_ is, yet.

 _xlvi_.

From the moment he came back, he knew something was amiss. He just didn’t know what.

It’s becoming a little clearer to him now.

 _xlvii_.

The void draws closer.

He doesn’t know whether he’s even tried to fight it, but he knows he’s given up in some way.

 _xlviii_.

Dave is holding him now, and it’s like a death grip. He tells Rush that he’s afraid of losing him again, but Rush feels as if he didn’t have anyone to lose in the first place.

Then Dave tells him to awaken, and Rush isn’t fooled anymore.

_xlix._

Rush sleeps, and thus he rouses.

He gets it now. They’re one in the same. Slumbering in one realm, but in reality he’s awake in another. The cycle repeats, and his memories are unreliable.

Dave and Irina and Athlum grow more distant and the void becomes clearer.

_l._

When Rush finally wakes, it feels like he’s never slept at all.

It’s as if he’s fresh from fighting the Conqueror. Perhaps he is, for he has no idea how long he’s been in this void. He’s not sure whether he’s even truly woken up for everything still feel so _surreal_ and he’s still disorientated, still trying to adjust.

He wishes he can see Dave and irina again. But then he _remembers_ and then he wonders whether they’d still be the same. He should be content that they’re fine and well, that they’re adapting to a world without Remnants, but he’s _scared_ of what still could have happened, how _long_ it’s been since he left them.

Months?

 _Years_?

He has trouble trying to just _see_. Within this void, the senses are hard to pull together, to _string_ together. He hasn’t missed this place.

He adjusts slowly knowing that the Remnants are watching him. They’re always watching, waiting for him to say something. He feels a mixture of anger, exasperation, and strangely _affection_ among some of them and he’s not sure how to hold himself.

Rush Sykes tries not to let despair take over him and takes a deep breath.

 _~~Welcome home.~~ _ ~~~~

_You never left._

**Author's Note:**

> ugh wtf did i just write lkjkasjf. either way i hope you guys enjoyed orz. please leave a kudos and/or comment to let me know what you think! as always, that's appreciated.
> 
> p.s. the type of collapse rush has (from my own theories about it) is one that affects the mind. there's an academy visistone that actually hints about such a kind of collapse so i decided to take my own spin on it.


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